Thursday, January 27, 2011
Enargeia: The Loser
As I sit on the couch wincing, I examine his oral cavity. Thirty-five jagged cliffs arranged in a zigzagged semi-circle. Dingy. Chipped. Crusted. One extra tooth juts out from the gum in front of his bottom left canine. Similar irregularities occur at his top left incisor and top right canine. So much tartar is caked on his teeth you could scrape it off like old paint from a wall. On the ridge of his swollen gums, blood glistens like a red straight between two masses. "Does he ever brush?" I think to myself. "Floss? Obviously not." Then I return to the conversation. He starts to speak causing a rancid smell to singe my nose hairs, blind my sight, and wrench my stomach. The room starts spinning as I hold back a yelp of repulse. Without thinking and eyes watering, I throw up a little in my mouth and wrinkle my nose. Fleeing to the bathroom to escape the deathly lingering fumes, I find refuge in fresh air. Whew.
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First of all, absolutely love the first sentence flowing into the rapid 3 "Dingy. Chipped. Crusted." The overall tone is clear in here: you don't like him and you'd prefer he never speak. M only 2 suggestions would be adding some more length. I think you have a lot of detestment, and that's an easy springboard into more vicious details, making the sentence considerably more dense. Such a density could make people have to read more slowly (like they are trudging through a swamp that is his mouth, as opposed to skimming the surface).
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent description of his mouth. It is so gross I almost threw up in my mouth. I can feel the contempt you have for your sister's boyfriend. The line about his "Thirty-five jagged cliffs" is an excellent description -I feel like I can see his mouth. The line about the extra teeth could use a little revision to make it flow better. This evokes the disgust that can only come from a foul creature dating your sister, and dealing with him in your house.
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